Call me crazy, but I was laying in bed and thinking about my recent therapy session and the progress I had made in this particular session. I was so happy, but it was hard work going backward and feeling certain things about incidents that caused shame in my upbringing. As I often do, I was playing Candy crush before I dozed off to sleep, and I noticed the connections between Candy Crush and recovery from dysfunction.
Who hasn’t heard of Candy Crush? The simple match-three puzzle game that can keep you enthralled for hours if you have the time. I like to play before I doze off sometimes to see how far I can get to the next level. I love it.
I was on a “Super Hard” level. Sometimes these level’s have lightning bolts and are called “Nightmarishly Hard.” That means you ain’t gettin’ out of this level without paying for some extra tools. It’s your choice, but if you don’t pay, you’re going to be there a long, long time. Now, I’ve gotten out before without paying the $1.99 for extra moves or lollipops or whatever but sometimes it’s just too frustrating, and you just want to get on with it. Oh, okay…here, I’ll buy it. I can’t bring myself to pay for the large packages.
Fortunately, I’m not at that point yet, still in the cheap zone. Not Addicted! But it gets close sometimes, and honestly, if you put all my $1.99s together, I may have paid for a package or two.
Super Hard Level of Life
But as I was lying there. I realized that I had been stuck on a super hard level of life. In therapy, even though I was making progress, I was just staying on the surface. I would talk about things I was thinking and feeling, which is not bad, but I needed to get to the deep root of my problems with myself and my relationships with people.
These last few months in therapy have been like passing those super hard levels, and today we went to a nightmarishly hard level about the amount of shame I had from being ostracized and neglected as a child and how that created this strong sense of wanting to fit in at all costs.
In short, even though I gave my heart to the Lord, there were still emotional things I was living out through my religion. We know that the practices of religion are not the same as knowing God and being a mature Christian. It was the practices I could do correctly. And I would do them perfectly so that I would be accepted and feel like I belonged. The constant rejection in my childhood, the deep need to fit in, made me unable to deal with rejection from my religious group. Of course, all of this was subconscious, but it manifested itself in actual decisions I made in my life.
She had me talk to my childhood self and people around me then, and tell them how angry I was because they embarrassed and shamed me and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. All the hurt came pouring out. It was a turning point, a positive one and one that is helping me to look forward and move forward.
It’s complicated to rise above your environment. And when I was ready,(God had been trying to shake me off of this tree for years), God moved me forward, up and out the dark mine shaft I was in, to help more people. At least that’s how I see it.
I realized that I had exited my dysfunctional situation physically but not emotionally. We can be stuck in an emotional spot, a hard level, and carry it with us a long time. I feel positive and freer. I had learned to stuff and keep in so many things. I’m getting my voice back that I had lost for so long.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more journaling and homework to do.
Have a great week of discovery in your life as well.