Our Actions Reveal Our Character

“The real me isn’t the person I describe, no the real me is me revealed by my actions.”

― Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

Assessing the Problem

How many times in relationships and life have we ignored people’s actions and tried to ascribe to them a better attribute than they deserve? Maybe they’re busy, perhaps they didn’t really mean what they said, or I know this person just lied to me, but maybe they misspoke. A detective in a documentary said one time that to ignore coincidence after coincidence is just plain stupid. When people act childish, manipulative, jealous or hateful. There is no mistake.

And that’s the hard part, isn’t it? It’s not that we don’t recognize these character flaws, we try to believe the best about people and unintentionally blind ourselves refusing to accept what we know in our heart of hearts. Continue reading “Our Actions Reveal Our Character”

How Is The Air In Your Church?

If a bad substance is breathed in and is strong enough, it can make a difference in your joy or misery, peace or confusion.

Can a poisonous environment hinder spiritual or personal growth? The main word on everyone’s lips these days is the environment. The air we breathe, and the health of our surroundings make all the difference in how long our planet survives and how well we live while we’re here. The atmosphere is important ecologically and spiritually. Take our homes for example. In every home, there is an undercurrent, a feel. Often you can sense it when you enter a house, but more often, when interacting with the family members, you get a feel of how they engage with one another. If there’s anger, and resentment, abuse, a code of silence, one can pick it up in the body language and the words used. It all has to do with the messages that are between the verbal lines or sometimes just in the air.

When I was growing up, I received the unsaid message from my father that unless you were perfect, you would not be loved. He never said those words. He was very careful not to say it. He didn’t have to. He acted it out every day. If my sister did something independent, she was branded a troublemaker. He treated her differently, negatively, suspiciously. I never wanted that treatment. I wanted love and approval from my father. So I did everything necessary to get that love. Of course, I did my share of teenage and childhood crimes, but on the surface, I complied with every rule. I was a good girl. I was a soldier in my parent’s one person army. To my father, my sister had gone AWOL, but I was the dutiful one. The one he could brag about with As and Honors and Ivy League education.

For me, in adulthood, that translated into people-pleasing, and fear of losing approval and acceptance. Our home was so chaotic and violent, and there was so much manipulation, I never really felt safe and my parents never really talked to me about my actual life or my problems or even who I was as a person. They were too distracted with their own mess. When Christ spoke to me about my life, I needed him, and even though I felt I had the external parts of my life together, the spiritual component was a disaster.

Initially, our church environment had a lot of love, and that’s what I craved. I had new moms, dads, aunts, uncles, brothers, and sisters in Christ. The love shown to me was incredible, and I thrived spiritually in the atmosphere.

I was sincere in my love for Christ, and I could ignore a lot of flaws because of the love of God that was in the air. However, as with all parts of life, when love and acceptance cool off, the flaws in the relationship became impossible to ignore.

Here’s how poisoned atmospheres affect your spiritual life.:

An Example

Recently, my granddaughter had a lead count that was higher than usual. We were all very alarmed. She’s nine months old. We don’t let her touch tap water, she still uses “baby” water. We gave her good food.step0002

step0002 Where was this poison coming from?

So the doctor notified the state and a guy came out and found several areas in the house that had high lead counts. On the scale of toxicity is was on the lower side but the doctor wanted to investigate the source.

The inspector said it was our old front windows!Georgian-Sash-Window.jpg

Georgian-Sash-Window.jpg

No one could tell! Some poisons are tasteless and odorless and extremely deadly.

The inspector said that because the house was old and the front windows were the only ones that were never replaced, he suspected that this was the major culprit, spreading lead through the air. His meter reading went off the charts when he came near the windows. There were other minor places in the home with higher than normal readings, but he said that those things combined in the atmosphere could be breathed in and cause a problem.

Can this happen on a spiritual level? Of course.

If a bad substance is breathed in and is strong enough, it can make a difference in your joy or misery, peace or confusion.

Honestly, there are a lot of things you can ignore in your spiritual surroundings. There will always be a few bad actors: those who use the church for a social club, or those not interested studying their bible, then there’s always the self-righteous ones who think they’re the only ones toeing the line and don’t have any compassion for anyone but their friends of course. Then some people just want to be seen accepted and like their status, or those looking for a quick wedding night and not a marriage, the dishonest people. However, if such people are not held accountable, it can ruin the air.

What if such people are allowed to flourish and take over until the atmosphere is toxic, selfish and stagnant, and the church becomes a mixed goulash of unresolved problems, hatreds, and bitterness and you can’t seem to separate all the ingredients that made up the stew in the first place.

All of this creates a climate change. And in the words of Al Gore, an inconvenient truth.

What Makes the Truth Inconvenient?

When we see our environment is messed up and harmful to us, our initial reaction is to get away from it. But getting away can be inconvenient. This is where the problem starts. I spent years trying to fix what couldn’t be fixed, and God had to show me that I couldn’t function in lousy air and spiritually survive.

Do you still ignore dysfunction? What if the church is run by the dysfunctional people? Is that OK to endure because the doctrine is right? Does good teaching outweigh the need to breathe freely?

What if loyalty to families and particular people become more important than the gospel?

What if being on the Lord’s side becomes a conflict with the church’s agenda?

What if you try to discuss your concerns but then are tagged as an enemy of the state or a troublemaker or just ignored altogether?

What if every time you call attention to the problem, you become the problem?

All of these questions are questions that you have to work through to come to an answer.

No furniture, No Friends. My husband tells the story of how his dad took away all the furniture one year because he and his siblings just kept breaking the furniture and wouldn’t clean up the house–nine–I said, 9 kids. His dad’s solution was to throw out the couch, tables chairs etc.

It didn’t look like a home and you couldn’t be comfortable there. So for years, my husband didn’t invite anyone home. He was too embarrassed.

Sadly, I began to know exactly how that felt. 533de970ee6567a034d170100f190c25d437c126924fea92307fec5b0c07cd5d.jpg

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Having been in my organization for over 30 years, and knowing that it’s foolish to try and change an entire system. I found myself coming full circle. Seeking and working with God for myself. Besides I could see the writing on the wall.

O My! I’ve Been Replaced! Fun Stuff. I remember being sent an email one time by a Pastor’s wife who thought I was doing too much in the church. The email, ( I still have it) told me that I was being removed from heading up a project; that I would now be an “advisor” working with the women on a particular project and that she would now be taking over that project and she made sure to copy her husband. Ok. Fine. I’ve been replaced.

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I’m just fine working in the background, but I never heard about the project again. No meetings or follow-up. It was just seemingly stomped out. Sadly, the women it was designed to help were the ones that suffered, not me. They actually had thought of it, not me. I was simply helping to organize but somehow it became all about me and political, the larger picture of helping people was lost.

Well, once a person wakes up to their surroundings, they have decisions they have to make. The struggle is not to accept dysfunction as normal. I remember telling the Lord, I didn’t want to accept political games, and bad behavior as ok. I couldn’t give in internally. I needed to hold onto what I understood to be right. I didn’t want to lower my expectations and begin to think principles don’t matter. They do matter. Environment matters. This is where people fall asleep, and start to get swallowed whole by the atmosphere. I needed to keep my inherent ethical values intact. And focus on my future in the kingdom.

My Miseducation About Perfection

If I’ve learned anything it’s this:  It is not enough to realize that I had a difficult childhood. I must find out how this dysfunction affected my personality and behaviors so that I can be my authentic self.

I’ve written about perfectionism before, and yet as I go on in life,  I see more clearly the dangers of this insidious disease.  I’m reminded that the wrong type of perfectionism comes from damaged homes and false signals.  Some people bring this wrong mindset into their life and into their spiritual walk.  Years ago while participating in a married couple’s class at our church. The question on the floor was what is it that your spouse does that irritates you and how do you cope with it.   A minister’s wife got up and said, “Oh my husband is perfect.  He doesn’t do anything to irritate me.”  At first, I thought they were joking, but they weren’t.  How can that be?  Is he a clone?  Is he in a coma?  I couldn’t comprehend this at all. What had gone wrong there? Did she expects people to buy that? Continue reading “My Miseducation About Perfection”

Independence From Man-Made Religion

Hello everyone! Happy Independence day. I’ve been super busy with new things going on in my life. I’ve got a new speaking engagement coming up, and me and my husband have started a relationship coaching business. I’ll also do spiritual/life coaching. I’m working on an online bible study based on my book too. Man, I’ve got lots of work to do, not to mention a new grandbaby, helping my daughter and my two sons. One’s gone off to college and the other is starting his junior year in high school and on two sports teams. BUT only one is out of the house. They are learning and starting their lives and mom’s got to be there.

Hubby and I did a photo shoot and things are looking up for us

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Half of the time I look like this…images

 

It’s ok. God is doing new and wonderful things in our lives.

But the subject today is man-made religion. Here’s my thought.

I venture to say that most people if given a choice between church traditions and the Bible will choose church customs every time. This is because I believe people are more comfortable doing what the next man does over belief in something they cannot see. People prefer stability, and if someone is telling them what to do in all areas of their life, this often represents security for them. Often people come to God ready to love Him fully and obey whatever He tells them. This can be obeying what they see in black and white in the bible or just in their intuitive relationship with the Spirit of God. However, when they join a church (it doesn’t matter which belief persuasion) they run into the wall of church tradition. Very rarely do we find a church that allows people to just obey God as he speaks to them. In some way, they will they have to conform to a set of rules that some person has created. You understand that once you tie yourself to church rules, it’s not the bible that reigns, it’s the authority of the person that makes the rules.

This is why I often speak about spiritual awareness. Each of us came from God Almighty. All of us were born bent toward sin and sinful ways. Christ provided the way back to God by paying the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, forgiving us and removing any barriers to God through His Atonement. So why do we feel that unless we are tethered to a church building, we are missing out on a relationship with God?

Don’t get me wrong, I believe, strongly that church community is important. It offers us an opportunity to gather with other like-minded people who follow Christ. It gives a sense of belonging to those that follow the bible and it’s a time we can assemble with other Christians and worship and tell what God has done in our lives and share about his goodness. This is all very fulfilling and necessary for spiritual growth. We edify one another and certainly how can we do this at home or alone.

And yet, when God’s people come together, Satan often joins the party as well. More often than not, Christian gatherings can become a place where good followers of Christ can get sidetracked from God’s goals for their lives. Good people will fall into the trap of “you must do it THIS way” to be a good Christian. And the end result is that we begin to follow man more than God. We find ourselves being more concerned with what people think of us more than God’s view of us. We become more concerned with being called a good brother or sister according to the dictates of a man-influenced dogma, than being called God’s dear child.

So this Independence Day. Let’s declare of our freedom from man-dominated worship and vow to get in REAL connection with God himself.

As a minister, I’ve seen a repeated decline in spirituality from people that live their spiritual lives dependent on other people’s approval. True spirituality requires independence. Everyone must be free to follow his leading and obey His Spirit. Jesus plainly told the disciples, that they would have individual responsibilities to Him in their walk with God. Responsibilities others in their Christian community may not understand. But how many of us have the courage and confidence to move forward? We see this in the last chapter of John, when Peter, after receiving instruction that he should simply follow Jesus, turned and ask Jesus what would another disciple (John) do?

22 Jesus said to him, “If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!”

This is where we have our struggles! And sure enough, shortly after that, the disciples started a rumor that Jesus said, John would not die. A rumor, a false one, about what Jesus said! This was not what He said, but people start rumors in church all the time don’t they? They know half of a story and fill in the rest with speculation—that’s just how folks are. Our walk with God is as individual as our fingerprints. So make a commitment to follow JUST JESUS and live as JUST A CHILD OF GOD without –isms and –tarians and –ologies and simply Follow Him!

Enjoy the fireworks!