The Lightbulb

 

“Insight is not a lightbulb that goes off inside our heads. It is a flickering candle that can easily be snuffed out.”

Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

When it comes to true religion, the right concept is always in the back our brains, yet the principle can quickly be snuffed out by our surroundings. The Bible defines true religion as being free from the world and loving others as we love ourselves. Continue reading “The Lightbulb”

No Capes! The Day I Stopped Fixing Other People

There are times I must refuse to be a hero for other people’s causes.

e48df3c7d48dd4cd41c2ff3aae8b2722My goal this upcoming year is to stay focused on the here and now. This year I’m taking the philosophy of Edna Mode, the fictitious designer of superhero costumes in the Incredibles.

I’m going Mode mode. Renee a la Mode. Ok. Enough.

Her sentiment about “never looking back” is fantastic but that can be hard when you’ve got a lot of life to look back on. Staying in the present require changes that keep me in the right frame of mind. Facebook contacts may have to be blocked or less contact made with negative people, but I have to do whatever I can to remain on the upward track. I feel the tug from above to face forward and keep my emotions from getting tied up with the past.

I don’t mean to sound weird or schizophrenic, but all of us have an inner voice. The voice that tells us it’s time to move on and start a new chapter.  The voice that warns us in our gut about dangerous people. That gut feeling, Malcolm Gladwell calls it the Blink moment. Continue reading “No Capes! The Day I Stopped Fixing Other People”

How Is The Air In Your Church?

If a bad substance is breathed in and is strong enough, it can make a difference in your joy or misery, peace or confusion.

Can a poisonous environment hinder spiritual or personal growth? The main word on everyone’s lips these days is the environment. The air we breathe, and the health of our surroundings make all the difference in how long our planet survives and how well we live while we’re here. The atmosphere is important ecologically and spiritually. Take our homes for example. In every home, there is an undercurrent, a feel. Often you can sense it when you enter a house, but more often, when interacting with the family members, you get a feel of how they engage with one another. If there’s anger, and resentment, abuse, a code of silence, one can pick it up in the body language and the words used. It all has to do with the messages that are between the verbal lines or sometimes just in the air.

When I was growing up, I received the unsaid message from my father that unless you were perfect, you would not be loved. He never said those words. He was very careful not to say it. He didn’t have to. He acted it out every day. If my sister did something independent, she was branded a troublemaker. He treated her differently, negatively, suspiciously. I never wanted that treatment. I wanted love and approval from my father. So I did everything necessary to get that love. Of course, I did my share of teenage and childhood crimes, but on the surface, I complied with every rule. I was a good girl. I was a soldier in my parent’s one person army. To my father, my sister had gone AWOL, but I was the dutiful one. The one he could brag about with As and Honors and Ivy League education.

For me, in adulthood, that translated into people-pleasing, and fear of losing approval and acceptance. Our home was so chaotic and violent, and there was so much manipulation, I never really felt safe and my parents never really talked to me about my actual life or my problems or even who I was as a person. They were too distracted with their own mess. When Christ spoke to me about my life, I needed him, and even though I felt I had the external parts of my life together, the spiritual component was a disaster.

Initially, our church environment had a lot of love, and that’s what I craved. I had new moms, dads, aunts, uncles, brothers, and sisters in Christ. The love shown to me was incredible, and I thrived spiritually in the atmosphere.

I was sincere in my love for Christ, and I could ignore a lot of flaws because of the love of God that was in the air. However, as with all parts of life, when love and acceptance cool off, the flaws in the relationship became impossible to ignore.

Here’s how poisoned atmospheres affect your spiritual life.:

An Example

Recently, my granddaughter had a lead count that was higher than usual. We were all very alarmed. She’s nine months old. We don’t let her touch tap water, she still uses “baby” water. We gave her good food.step0002

step0002 Where was this poison coming from?

So the doctor notified the state and a guy came out and found several areas in the house that had high lead counts. On the scale of toxicity is was on the lower side but the doctor wanted to investigate the source.

The inspector said it was our old front windows!Georgian-Sash-Window.jpg

Georgian-Sash-Window.jpg

No one could tell! Some poisons are tasteless and odorless and extremely deadly.

The inspector said that because the house was old and the front windows were the only ones that were never replaced, he suspected that this was the major culprit, spreading lead through the air. His meter reading went off the charts when he came near the windows. There were other minor places in the home with higher than normal readings, but he said that those things combined in the atmosphere could be breathed in and cause a problem.

Can this happen on a spiritual level? Of course.

If a bad substance is breathed in and is strong enough, it can make a difference in your joy or misery, peace or confusion.

Honestly, there are a lot of things you can ignore in your spiritual surroundings. There will always be a few bad actors: those who use the church for a social club, or those not interested studying their bible, then there’s always the self-righteous ones who think they’re the only ones toeing the line and don’t have any compassion for anyone but their friends of course. Then some people just want to be seen accepted and like their status, or those looking for a quick wedding night and not a marriage, the dishonest people. However, if such people are not held accountable, it can ruin the air.

What if such people are allowed to flourish and take over until the atmosphere is toxic, selfish and stagnant, and the church becomes a mixed goulash of unresolved problems, hatreds, and bitterness and you can’t seem to separate all the ingredients that made up the stew in the first place.

All of this creates a climate change. And in the words of Al Gore, an inconvenient truth.

What Makes the Truth Inconvenient?

When we see our environment is messed up and harmful to us, our initial reaction is to get away from it. But getting away can be inconvenient. This is where the problem starts. I spent years trying to fix what couldn’t be fixed, and God had to show me that I couldn’t function in lousy air and spiritually survive.

Do you still ignore dysfunction? What if the church is run by the dysfunctional people? Is that OK to endure because the doctrine is right? Does good teaching outweigh the need to breathe freely?

What if loyalty to families and particular people become more important than the gospel?

What if being on the Lord’s side becomes a conflict with the church’s agenda?

What if you try to discuss your concerns but then are tagged as an enemy of the state or a troublemaker or just ignored altogether?

What if every time you call attention to the problem, you become the problem?

All of these questions are questions that you have to work through to come to an answer.

No furniture, No Friends. My husband tells the story of how his dad took away all the furniture one year because he and his siblings just kept breaking the furniture and wouldn’t clean up the house–nine–I said, 9 kids. His dad’s solution was to throw out the couch, tables chairs etc.

It didn’t look like a home and you couldn’t be comfortable there. So for years, my husband didn’t invite anyone home. He was too embarrassed.

Sadly, I began to know exactly how that felt. 533de970ee6567a034d170100f190c25d437c126924fea92307fec5b0c07cd5d.jpg

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Having been in my organization for over 30 years, and knowing that it’s foolish to try and change an entire system. I found myself coming full circle. Seeking and working with God for myself. Besides I could see the writing on the wall.

O My! I’ve Been Replaced! Fun Stuff. I remember being sent an email one time by a Pastor’s wife who thought I was doing too much in the church. The email, ( I still have it) told me that I was being removed from heading up a project; that I would now be an “advisor” working with the women on a particular project and that she would now be taking over that project and she made sure to copy her husband. Ok. Fine. I’ve been replaced.

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I’m just fine working in the background, but I never heard about the project again. No meetings or follow-up. It was just seemingly stomped out. Sadly, the women it was designed to help were the ones that suffered, not me. They actually had thought of it, not me. I was simply helping to organize but somehow it became all about me and political, the larger picture of helping people was lost.

Well, once a person wakes up to their surroundings, they have decisions they have to make. The struggle is not to accept dysfunction as normal. I remember telling the Lord, I didn’t want to accept political games, and bad behavior as ok. I couldn’t give in internally. I needed to hold onto what I understood to be right. I didn’t want to lower my expectations and begin to think principles don’t matter. They do matter. Environment matters. This is where people fall asleep, and start to get swallowed whole by the atmosphere. I needed to keep my inherent ethical values intact. And focus on my future in the kingdom.

Reclaiming My Freedom

The kingdom of God is not eating and drinking but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14: 17)

My quest for better spiritual awareness came after years of being an innocent.  As a Christian, I needed to stay in connection with Jesus Christ, the source of spiritual life. The Vine. Righteousness is not based only on works of faithfulness, but faithfulness to the voice of God. It is Him we must please in our daily walk. He is the decider of what is holy and acceptable, and He is the king of peace and giver of real joy. Salvation is for everyone, of every culture, every background, and circumstance. The details of people’s lives cannot be dictated to them by other people.  Instructions must come from heaven to the heart. The above scripture from Romans 14 holds significant meaning. What truer sentiment could have been written about what constitutes the kingdom of God.

It is not the tangible that makes up the kingdom but the intangible. My soul belongs to God, and it’s a part of me that no earthly person can touch or judge. Only God can know the intricacies of motive, backgrounds of understanding, and depth of heart. Therefore, Paul said it best because who are we to judge another man’s servant, to his own master he stands or falls, for we must all give an account in the day of judgment.

In the circle of church attendance that I’ve been in for the last 35 years, people don’t just leave individuals in the hands of God. They tend to just pick at one another. When you put this kind of power in the hands of humans, they tend to wear each other out. After a while, people grab a badge and arrest whomever they wish, with the consent of the authorities.

Part of my journey towards greater spiritual growth involved identifying the things that came between Christ and me and personal, Spirit-led decisions about myself. I had to shake off the control people tried to have over my family and my life. For example, in our congregations,  for reasons I never understood, no one could wear Afrocentric styles or cut their hair in styles. Mind you, these are black congregations. We had to go around like we were in the 1950s wearing just curled-set hair or permed styles that didn’t involve any cut or shape. Go figure.

One minister even tried to sneak in the idea that cutting off split ends WAS cutting hair. She was quietly booed.

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So where does that leave a black woman in the City of Chicago? How does this even work? Insane.images (1)

We were pretending to be white southern belles from the 1950s and ’60s with perfectly coiffed tresses while living in the 1980s, 90s, and 2000s.

No showing of blackness allowed.giphy (1).gif

I hear this obsession still goes on. Of course, after studying I Corinthians 11 for myself, I threw up my hands. Who was going to listen to the Bible at this point?

Yeah, that thing.

I was a small minnow in a sea full of whales. What was seemingly important in our congregations was how the Pastor’s wife saw it, not the scriptures. Their hair rules were ingrained in our religious group. Unfortunately certain of our black congregations still have this pre-occupation about what is HOLY HAIR. One group even said that using a relaxer is worldly! You must PRESS your locks with a hot comb.

But, the pressure was real. Conform or else. Or else what? Thou shalt be stared at and talked about and preached against as a rebel, a breaker of unity, a breaker of our laws, vain, worldly …. (don’t ask, you get the idea).

download Can you fry it or dye it and still be saved? Can you feather it, relax it? Can you wear twists or twist outs? Can you braid it or put extra hair in it without being accused of vanity, and then how MUCH extra hair is too much, and who gets to decide that? The person who has no hair?

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One time, my poor daughter ruined her hair on a weekend trip with friends while she was swimming. It was “toe”-up, not just torn up. She had allowed the chlorine to stay in her hair all weekend. This was the summer before she entered high school. We had to cut off the damage and do something cute with it to help it grow back. My child, bless her heart, was already pulling and picking at her hair as a habit. The best way I saw was to put braided extensions in her hair so she’d look cute and it would solve the messiness of daily styling a 13-year-old girl who had damaged hair. My husband agreed. He said to our daughter and me,

“Look, if anyone, I mean ANYONE, the Pastor, whoever, I don’t care, says anything to you about your hair, you have them see me. I am NOT going to have my daughter going to a new school with her hair to’ up!”

Thank you, baby.

Since I became a Christian, that struggle remains daily and real. People always try to put the spiritual whammy on you with their opinions or traditions spun out of everything but prayer and scriptures. They feel their views are the Holy Ghost and trust me if they can’t cover it with the Bible, it ain’t. If their opinion is the Lord, why don’t they have the grace of Christ to act nice about it?

We Do Have Liberty

In the Spirit, we have liberty in Christ to follow as He leads and practice what we understand to be sacred in our lives. Yet, there are people in this world who would have you believe that YOUR standing with God is through them. We shouldn’t give away our freedom in Christ to other people. It never ends well. Bottom line if you place yourself in that position you will find in the end that people simply like controlling other people. In the end, you will not even know or understand why you’re doing what you’re doing, but you will feel that you must.

A good, solid Christian told me one time, when it comes to people and authorities, don’t go asking; go telling. Tell them what God showed you, what He wants you to do and then go do it.

When you ask permission, that’s too much power and people like playing with power and half the time, they don’t even know how to use that power.

God saved me as an individual. He individually sought me, and forgave me of my sins and gave me light to walk the path of salvation. I know that God is watching over me as a person to keep me on the right track. If I’m sincere, God will lead me the right way. The way that’s best for me. Yes, we all need community and guidance and shepherding and mentoring and help with our joy and faith. These are things the body of Christ provides by building itself up in the love of God.

I had trained myself to be tethered to other people’s opinions.  I was not alone. But now, I’m aware enough to reclaim my freedom.

Think about the following story and let me know your thoughts below:

Elephant and the Rope

As my friend was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from the ropes they were tied to but for some reason, they did not. My friend saw a trainer nearby and asked why these beautiful, magnificent animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away.

“Well,” he said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size of rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.” My friend was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.

–the Unbound Spirit

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to me.  I’m 56 years old today.  I’m not one of those women that thinks it improper to tell their age.  I’m grateful for every year. I woke up this morning at peace. At peace with myself. At peace with the past and looking forward to my future and the future of my family. That’s saying a lot for me.  I had pined away about lost years and mistakes made, bad decisions but I made a decision one day. To make an affirmation to not dwell on the past and look toward the future. I can remember times, I would wake up depressed on my birthday because I was too worried about what my bad decisions had cost me.  I didn’t really understand what constituted success. Doing something big and notable what the image I was given early in life. Having a house and money was the goal. Since I acquired at least one of those, I was moderately successful.  But I was never enough, never satisfied, I was sent this message by my parents, family and later by my church that no matter how much you do, you are never really enough.    I’m so grateful to have learned so many lessons I wanted to pen them down not just for other people, but so that I can remind myself to continue to grow. 

I’ve Learned to Value My Family:

Jackie Kennedy said:

“If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.” 

I wrote, “An Apology to My Daughter”  and we’ve become closer at a time she really needs me, raising her own daughter. After many mistakes, trying to be the perfect parent and following some of the rules of my church instead of seeking God for myself,  I still have time to be a good parent, a present, attentive parent.   I have a chance to pass on those lessons to my granddaughter and my youngest son.  I’ve spoken with children from our church group and realize how impactful that post was to open up doors for them to heal from their own childhoods. There was often this cult-like atmosphere that didn’t serve the gospel well– all children must act the same way and do the same things and act saved even if they’re not. However well-intentioned the motives, the results for the majority of those I have talked to didn’t work. Parents sometimes had to sneak and do things that would benefit their children so no one would know.  Some ended up having to openly repent about decisions they made as a family.  That should never have happened.  Every family is in God’s hands and not the hands of other human beings.  Many of the children in our religious group didn’t go through the normal development process of becoming adults because so many decisions were made for them.  There was so much unnecessary control over families who were not allowed to pray as individuals and come to their own conclusions.  Some were angry at me for writing about this, and others applauded, but whatever the case, it was something I needed to do personally to be genuine and honest about what I see and have experienced.    That honestly has meant volumes to my family.  

 

 

I’ve Learned to Value Myself

I am learning to value myself and the talents God has given me.  I don’t take that lightly. At one point I thought I was highly invested in my talents, but my talents were limited by worrying over what other people thought.  I allowed others to limit things God was giving me to do.  I was always the champion of good causes, but I’m learning to channel that in the right direction. 

I’m Learning about True Friendship

I am also finding others who find value in me as a person, that see worth in who I am, just as I am.  People that motivate me and aren’t afraid to celebrate my gifts.  Who actually want to know me and not an imagined version of me.  

There are people in life who will only associate with you because of a position you may hold, or what they think you can do for them. Or if you’re good at listening, they may just want your listening ear.  Or if you’re good at talking, they may just want you around so you can entertain them.  They’re not bad people, they’re just not that interested in you.  

They don’t really value you as a person. If they had a choice to get to know you, they wouldn’t. You have to recognize how much time to invest with such people. 

I’m Learning about Authenticity

I want realness in my life.  Jesus is real to me. He always understood me, even when I didn’t understand myself and he’s helping me to understand who I am and be comfortable with who I am. I am through with projecting images of success in home, family, church, business. But I accept who I am and what I am and I’m extremely happy with that because we have to learn how to value the simple things in life.  The small victories, the failures that teach us lessons, the atmosphere we give our children at home, the small moments we help other people. That is what is important.

I’ve been asked to take down posts about my real feelings simply to preserve an image and that never works.  What works is possessing the real thing and you will not need to cling to a presentation.

I’m Learning About Purpose

Finding out what the general purpose of life itself is easy.  The Bible tells us that the whole duty of man is to respect God and keep his commandments. Finding out your specific purpose is not so easy.  It takes trying different things, not being afraid of failure or how you may look to understand where your talents lie. That’s a process.  To be an instrument of God for His purpose, to be there for your family, your children and others around you with whatever talents he has given you.  That’s what’s important.

I’m 56 years old and happy about the things I should be happy with: my beautiful daughter and granddaughter, my two sons,  and my made-in-heaven 30-year marriage.

Just Happy

Someone asked me recently what I was doing with myself nowadays. I told them “I’m working on myself.”   The best present I could give me is to have a stable inner self.

I’ve learned to let go of past mistakes and people that want to hold to the past.  It’s important to encircle yourself with a village that will help you move forward. No one is successful on their own. People need other people.  Understanding this is truly honoring the gifts God has left to mankind.  We should respect those that are gifted, no matter whether they’re Christians or non-Christians.  All men have gifts and capabilities.  Every coach needs a coach, every therapist needs a counselor, every minister needs someone to lean on. All good mentors need their own mentors.

I didn’t find my worth in how many people were going to wish me a  Happy Birthday today.   I was satisfied. Although I’m conscious that everyone loves these things, I had no yearning today for praise, approval, and attention.  I am no longer trying to please anyone but God, myself and my family.  Other people matter but not in the way they once did.  My childhood was spent seeking praise and approval from my parents and much of my adulthood was spent trying to fit in and belong in a group that wasn’t that interested in me.  It wasn’t personal,  it was just system that wasn’t interested in anyone much as individuals.

One person I hadn’t seen in years knew me, but I didn’t remember them, told me  “you still have that salvation glow”.  Yes, I do, and that’s because, in the last 2-3 years, I’ve been seeking God for the next chapters in my life and learning new and wonderful things about Him and his Word.  I have been studying the bible to actually understand it, rather than to teach messages that will support what’s been already said. The Spirit of God is not stagnant and I’m trying to follow what he ‘s doing in my life and move along with Him, and that makes me very happy.